just breathe.

i thought i was ready for this whole journey after high school. Well, idk i still am, like i'm super excited!! buuuut i'm just not ready to leave some things behind...or someone. not seeing my bestest friend everyday makes me feel alone in a way, like i'm starting all over. and maybe that's what college is all about, starting over. but i know what starting over feels like. i've went to five different schools, five! each school was different and i had different types of friends. the recent one was going from a really perfect, cliquy school to a small town one. and i've watched and been so many different people trying to find myself. my previous school was so, sooo different than the one i go to now. the mistakes i made at my school now wouldn't have been mistakes at all at the larger one with cliques. you were expected to start drama and pretty much live a selfish manner. no one there at schools like those are really your friends. they're fake friends. i've learned so much from my best friend here at this school. she's helped me more than she could ever imagine. it may not look like it but i was completely and utterly screwed up for a long time. i had to go to the office in elementary school and say goodbye to my dad for a very long time. i basically grew up without a father. my mom has five kids. it was way to hard for her to manage that and her huge job all on her own. we would have baby sitters almost every night. my mom would go on dates quite often and tried to start her love life over again. my family was screwed up for a very long time.
i know there's truly no excuses but it took me awhile to understand right from wrong. i had so many things in front of my face or missing completely for almost 6 years. it's not an easy thing to deal with. my dad complains at how much he wants to see us more but yet he doesn't move up here closer to us. he's the one that has to take the step, not us. he's the grown father and we're the kids. he's made way too many mistakes for a regular father. he's missed so much of my life. and now i'm going to college and i'll see even less of him. he's had sooo many chances to change that but he hasn't.
the sad thing is that the last time i truly saw his as a "dad" and not just my father was almost 8 years ago. my best friend kind of filled his spot. she picked me up when i was down, we fought and got angry at each other but we both learned how to see from the other's point of view. we helped each other grow into the people we are today. i don't want this to be the end of her and i's friendship. i want to always stay in touch and be great friends when we're 40 and older.

i'm gonna miss her. more than i could ever express in words, actions or tears.