.girl,youfly.

alexis ann mcconnell.. HAPPY FREAKIN' BIRTHDAY!!!!!! x1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,019. giiiiirl, you are my world. C: summer's almost here and we's gonna f*** s*** up. C: i love you so! much. and i miss you so! much! more! be careful today on your adventures and love every second of this day. no one can bring you down because it's your FREAKING BIRTHDAY!!!! C: i thank God for every single blessing he's given me, especially for you! thank you deborah!!! i love you bestie. happy freaking birthday. C: .sh.

.athousandyears.

I have loved you for so long; I don't think I know how to be anything but yours. Maybe it's because I'm weaker than you. Perhaps its because I'm more compassionate. It could even be because you feelings have dwindled and mine remain. Whichever the case may be, please hold on and find your heart again because I need you too.

Please.



Sh.

.fair&fowl.

You made a fool of me.


.sh

.becausebelievingiswhatgetsusthrough.

there's a place out there for us. more than just a prayer, or anything we've ever dreamed of. so when you feel like giving up because you don't fit in down here; fear is crashing in, close your eyes and take my hand.
we can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe. it's written in the stars that shine above. a world where you and i belong, where faith and love will keep us strong. exactly who we are is just enough..

there's a place for us.

[[we spend our whole lives wanting more than anything to be exactly what they need. we change daily to mold ourselves into someone they will someday hopefully see as their savior. and if that moment never comes, one seems as lost as ever.]]

you and me. we aren't the world's normal "best friends." we go deeper than that. our connection isn't an i-can-tell-her-everything kind of a bond because we both have our secrets. our connection isn't an i-know-everything-about-this-girl kind of a bond because we are far from knowing everything about each other. no, our connection is unlike any emotional connection i've ever had..

to me, our relationship is an i-need-you-to-love-me kind.

i need you to be there.
i need you to understand.
i need you to stand up for me.
i need you to check up on me.
i need you to believe in me.
i need you to not be afraid to trust me.
i need you to love me.

i need you so much. and i'm pretty sure you need me too. but what i can't understand is, if we need each other so much, why can't we ever do anything right for the other? it's like nothing ever goes right for us. nothing ever follows through and it just leads to one of us being disappointed in the other..
i think i've figured it out..

we have these two contradicting beliefs towards one another. we have both seen disappointment in the others face at least one time during our friendship, correct? therefore, i came up with this conclusion.

i need you. you need me. [more than anything]
contradiction:
because of the times we have disappointed each other [failed to be loyal] i believe i cannot be what you need. you believe you cannot be what i need.

if this conclusion is true the answer is simple. we need to stop believing we're not good enough. we need to stop being scared that the other will disappoint us again. and we need to start acting like we need each other again. because we do.

if i'm going in a completely wrong direction with this, please tell me.






sh.

guess.i.shoulda.been.more.like.her

i wish you loved me as much as you love her.

......don't be fooled, this statement isn't about or for a boy.



am.

.goodcompany.

before my prayers i've just got to say..

FOUR MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!
finally. C: i can't wait! it even takes my mind off the agony of my land navigation lab.. BLAH. haha. i'm in suuuuuch a great mood when i think of it. C: C: C: C: C:

on a different note.

dear God, please stand by my roomie's side in the battle she's facing. help me to be strong when she can't be and help her to know when she needs to be. i love her so much and i hate seeing her hurt like this. :C

and on another different not. please grant me the courage and strength to see this through. i don't want to be with anyone else, ever. i'm trying not to lose faith but sometimes it's just so hard..

and God. be with my rock. she needs you now more than ever. i don't know how to help her. she's too headstrong for anything i say to be okay. i want her to be happy. i want her to make the right decisions. i just want you to keep her safe.

kisses to you, big man.

amen.


sh.

only.because,i.need.it

i miss you-please miss be back.
i need you-please need me back.
i want you-please want me back.
i think of you-please think of me back.


i love you- please, please love me back.




am.

.misplaced.

grrraaaaAAHHH! i love happy days. C:

except somethin' is always missin'.

[mybestfriend]

wish she could be here everyday with me. aaaaaall day.
wish i could share every moment of my day with her.
..actually, i think i'm gonna do that. yupp! sure am.
C:
i love her soooooooo much.

[mybestfriend]




sh.

.hahahahaha!.

don't ya just loooove laugh attacks? C:
natalie and i do.

bahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahhahahaha
hahahaahhahaahhahahaha
hahahahaahahhaha
hahahahaha
haahhaa
hahah
hah
ha.

okay, not funny anymore.

hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahah.

one more for good measure? ...

hahahahahahahahhahhahahahahahahaah
ahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahhaahhahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahhaahhahahha
hahahahahahahahahhahahahhahah
hahahahahahhahahhahahahahah
hahahahahahahahahahahahhah
ahahahahahahhahhahahaahah
hahaahahahahahahahahahha
hahahahahahahahahahahah
hahahahahahahhahahaha
hahaahahhahahahahaha
hahahahaahhahahaaha
hahahahahahahahah
ahahahhahahahaha
hahahahahahahaa
hahahahahahaha
ahhaahahhaha
haahahhahah
ahahahahah
ahahahaha
hahahaha
hahahah
ahahah
ahaha
haha
hah
ha.


<3


sh.

.we'llbeadream.

i hate this.
i fucking hate this.
my eyes are tired of crying.
i'm tired of balling up every night and sobbing over you.
i'm sick of this.
i'm so over it.
i know i'll give in too, bc i'm not fucking strong enough to stay away.
i fucking hate you.
i fucking hate you.
i fucking hate you.

i can hardly even tell what i'm fucking typing.

breathe.
breathe.
breathe.
breathe.
breathe.
breathe.
breathe.

okay...
i apologize for the momentary lapse of self control..

but, if you seriously don't feel a thing, let's skip to the part when you leave.
i don't know why you can't be what i need you to be..
i'm sooooo disappointed...
so.
incredibly.
disappointed.

i'm gonna dry my eyes of all the tears i've been weak enough to let you make. and i'm going to go to bed nightmare free. and i'm going to dream of someone out there who was made to help me. and i'm going to be okay..

i'm going to be okay..

i'm going to be okay..





sh.

please.just.let.me.be.love

why?

why? why? why?

why do i always fall so hard? fall so hard for the guys that aren't even worth it?!!
my heart can't take it anymore. idk why i always do this to myself...

i just want to fall for a nice boy with good morals. i want him to want me and to always want me. not just toy with me and have me chasing a string to just lead to a dead end.

it's not fair. this whole love thing isn't fair.
i'm tired of hurting.
i'm just so, so tired.


am.

.forgiveme.

You forgive me for raising you up so high,

And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.

You forgive me for wanting to be with you,

And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

You forgive me for being so pathetic,

And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.

You forgive me for not being able to let go,

And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.

You forgive me for missing you so,

And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for giving up on us,
and I'll try to forgive myself for not giving up sooner..


sh.

neverland.

i love you

you say so, but i think it is your biggest pretend.

sh.

.moderndayshakespeare.

[she sits on ground drawing in the dust beneath her.]
[they enter stage right and approach her.]

they ask:

do you regret it?

[she stops drawing and looks up]

she says:

no, not at all. i forced myself to be like everyone wanted me, or perhaps, even needed me to be. my whole life revolved around meeting expectations and when i finally got away from it all, when i finally broke free, i loved it. i needed to become everything i hated, everything morally wrong, a thing of disgust in the eyes of most, drawing pity from every figure who looked my way, because i was that torn down and broken. i was tired and fed up.

[she stands and faces them.]

i had to lose myself in order to find myself.

i once was lost, but now am found.

i now know who i am. i know where i'm going. i have my morals in check and i will conquer every goal i set. i am stronger than i've ever been. so, no. i will never regret that life changing experience of losing myself, because i've found a better me. and i'm never letting go.

[she turns and exits stage left.]

[deleted scene.]

girl 1:

you know what i mean?

[she looks at girl 1 sad at first, quickly turned to anger, then slowly subsiding to pity]

she says:

yes, i know exactly what you mean. for the exact instance happened to me a long while ago with someone very special. someone whom i trusted above all else. someone who could have been great, but chose instead to become a coward, hidden behind lies that are too weak for their own good. girl, i know exactly what you mean..

and not only are your words incredibly ironic..

they still cut me just as deeply as before..

[she exits stage right. never seen again by girl 1.]

sh.

learning.

half of life is messing up.
and the other half is dealing with it.





am.

aam!

We're gonna stay up! and we're gonna take pictures! and we're gonna stay up some more! and we're gonna take more pictures! and we're gonna laugh and laugh and laugh! and we're gonna have so much fun! fun, fun, fun! i'm soooooooooooo excited!! i've missed you soooooooo much!!

happy day! happy day! happy day!




.sh.

&& here we go again.

seriously?? da fuck??!!
This is the 4th time I've been legit sick in the past few months! I have a headache, ear ache, my throat hurts, my body aches and am starting to get the puking feeling. All causing me to not be able to fall asleep. On top of that I have to get up for chem lab in less than 3 hours and have class straight until 5pm. A whole day of school and quizzes on 3 hours of sleep!! Are you kidding me?! It's not like it's enough not having my best friend with me, seeing one of my other good friend fall into so many bad holes, watching my whole family be in relationships while I'm single as shit. I'm going through this whole mess alone! So why not body, just be sick and make me more miserable.

I guess asking for a small break is waaay too much to ask!! ugggh fml.

Whatever, bring it on.



am.

.pity.

i've been thinking, a dangerous pass time, i know. my thoughts are twisting, dodging and tangling up in one another. however, one thought came out crystal clear through all the mumbo-jumbo. as if someone shined a light on this particular thought, i saw it clear as day.

you haven't grown up, yet. you're still stuck in the comfortably safe world that you had created for yourself with your parents and school. you hide behind your ever-so-innocent look that you've learned to milk very well throughout the years. you thrive on the dramas of your past life and you just cannot for the life of you give it up.

i feel extremely sorry for you, i really do. pity, even. but, i know this was all brought upon by you. all of our choices are our own. frightening? for sure. nevertheless i will continue setting the expectations high for you, and i will continue to be disappointed because you choose to choose wrong. and in that choosing, you've decided to not go out and make something of yourself. you're choosing to stay in the years where everything was simple because you are a afraid someone will tell you, you're not good enough.

well, you know what? no one is ever not good enough. they simply choose to be below the standards that they wish to achieve. i guess this concept becomes more clear when you grow older and more mature. the lucky ones mature early and realize this before it's too late.

fortunately, there isn't really a time limit on change. lucky for you. stop living in a world where you never actually live. grow up. face your fears. and become something.


sh.

.i'mready.

i'm ready for the nights to go back to the way they were.
i'm ready to always be by your side again.
i'm ready to turn to my right or left and see you there.
i'm ready to listen to your voice again.
i'm ready to spend nights being overly hyper for the hour.
i'm ready to take more action shots.
i'm ready to aimlessly walk around alcester at any hour.
i'm ready to laugh and laugh and laugh.
i'm ready to share all my burdens and secrets again.
i'm ready to lean on you and not air, again.
i'm ready to stop being jealous.
i'm ready to start being greedy, again.
i'm ready to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself because you're not here.
i'm ready to party with you every night of every week, again.
i'm ready to be your best friend again without a question.
i'm ready to stop missing us every day.
i'm ready to fill that whole with you again.
i'm ready for you.

i'm ready.

but i'm not ready for you to admit you don't feel the same way.


sh.

.apprehensive.

I have come across some new goals today.
1. I shall learn to write in cursive.
Good, that is.
2. I want to get a tattoo of a dream quote.
Somewhere, someday.




.sh

.icangothedistance.

ah, the school work has begun. the time as shrunk. the will has dwindled. the stress has fallen upon me. however, i'm gonna do it this semester. i'm gonna follow through on every goal. i'm gonna surprise everyone. i'm not gonna stop. i'm gonna trudge through until i reach the finish line. i'm gonna do this.

i will not bow.


sh.

skm.aaam

nothing will change.
we will end up getting an apartment together while working and figuring out this whole thing they call life.
and i will be saving an open bed for you when you come back from the army.
when 2 people are lost and alone and connect at such a young age so quickly....
that is a bond that can never be broken.

i am sure of it.



am.

.idon'twantyouback.

it was fun, i won't lie. we laughed. we laughed. we laughed.
you kept reminiscing. you kept missing. you kept looking at me in that way you have. i knew it wouldn't be the best if i stayed. but i did anyway.
you kept finding ways to hug me. you even went in for the kiss.
unfortunately you were dismissed. "i'm sorry." you said. "sorry i treated you like shit. you didn't deserve that." i didn't reply.
you kept pressing for a date. promising you've changed.
i said i couldn't because of him. the shock in your voice made me realize that you didn't realize. but when you did you apologized. you said, "i'll always love you, just know that." the thing is..
you kept telling lies. you kept playing pretend.
and trust me, i forgave you, but that doesn't mean i still love you. sure, feelings still come around, but they are everything far from love. i'm sorry for that. i'm glad if you've changed though, unfortunately, you've scarred me too much to ever believe you. so, try it on a new person and they'll love you like i won't ever be able too.
when we were singing that song to each other.. what you didn't know is that i meant every word..

"fuck what i said, it don't mean shit now.
fuck the presents might as well throw them out.
fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack.
fuck you, you ho. i don't want you back."

i said, "fuck you, you ho, i don't want you back."
you said, "fuck you right back."


p.s. unforgivable.



sh.

.losinggrip.

I sure do hope you're doing okay out there. I'm fairing well here but you best not linger too long for fear I'll soon be lost without you. For you may be able to tread waters independently, where as I need to grasp your hand every step of the way.

So hurry back, most dearest friend. For I am nothing but a morsel in lack of your company.


.sh.

.likenoonei'veeverknown.

the goddess of strength&well-being.

her hair flow well past her shoulders. framing her beauty of a face. her big, cute cheeks mirror her soft nose -which, unbeknownst to most is very squishy. her head is set on strong shoulders, set on strong legs, set on stable feet. i've never once seen her stumble.. mentally speaking.
she's got the looks every girls dreams of and the personality anyone longs for. her kindness mixes with a great sense of humor. her will to side with the underdog mixes with her semi-strong but steady confidence. her determination to become whoever she wants to be mixes with her individuality. she's never been one to make a fight, however she's the world's strongest fighter i know.
she may fear her burdens but she never lets it show. she amazes everyone with her constant smile either chosen to be on her face, or painted there -know one knows unless you're one of the few lucky people she opens up too. happiness seems to be her only language, however we all know this to be untrue because everyone has their days. however, she's looked up to bc she never lets anyone see her down.
maybe in the confines of her own room she let's it out. maybe in a park, on a bench, when know one is watching. perhaps, she goes inside a bathroom full of stalls and puts her feet up, trying to become invisible. or maybe she tells a close friend. nobody knows.
all anyone knows is their adoration for the goddess of strength&well-being. alltho no one expresses it, but this is not because they are too shy, or too stubborn. it is simply because this particular goddess has no idea, in the slightest, that she is even a goddess. she has no idea that in the eyes of so many is her image.
perhaps, someone will tell her someday. at sometime. in someplace. perhaps, that someone will be a stranger, or a friend, or maybe, a sister. perhaps, that day will be today, this very hour, this very moment. perhaps, the goddess deserves to know how people view her, a particular person especially. and perhaps this particular person wants her to know that she's been everything that she wants to be. and maybe, just maybe, this goddess of strength&well-being will teach her someday..


lesson #1: under no circumstances are you to bend or break from the weight of the world. hold your head high. look straight ahead. and shine, shine with such confidence that people believe you are untouchable.


.sh.