how.do.you.deal.with.a.broken.heart?

you cry and you scream and you act pathetic. you skip out on showers and you lay in bed for days on end. you have pity parties. you get irritable and you push everyone away. you cry in bed. you cry in the shower. you cry in your car. you let your heart ache. you let the pain throb and pulse through your entire body. you blame them. you blame yourself. you blame the world. you pretend you are getting better, only to have a relapse. you drink irresponsibly, in hopes that you'll forget them for one night. however, this will only back fire and you'll end up crying harder and trying to drunk dial them. you consider giving up on life. you gather the strength to get up and take a shower. only to break down once you start the water. you attempt to completely remove them from your life. you can't bear being around anyone or anything, because everything around you reminds you of them. you watch romance movies and listen to love songs. you have your good days and your bad days. you distract yourself at times, and other times you sit semi comfortably with your misery. you wait for them to come back, no matter how unrealistic that is. you wait until you wake up and the sun shines a little different. the wind grazes you and there's a slight spring in your step. one day you catch yourself laughing genuinely. and things seem okay. you go out with friends and family again, except now you're not distracting yourself anymore. you'll still have those saturday nights when you sob, but happiness will grow again. it just takes strength and patience.






am.

woowza.

it's ridiculous how much two people can think alike.
it's crazy awesome!
i love it!






am.

.dyingwish.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you!
I love you a thousand times, and I never want to be without you!

A.a.m. I love you.

.sh

truth,is

new friends are always great!
i have met a ton of people and always have a grand ol' time.
but it always comes back to you.
i would give up any friendship for you.
i always imagine what could be...
i could be sharing a bed with you,
seeing your bright face everyday,
and being your wall to fall back on.
i know they say high school is just high school,
and friends will come and go,
but i need your friendship.
i need you.
i'm perfectly fine with just one best friend.
you.
i love you.



am.

.happyday.

today is a great day! i love it! there is absolutely nothing bad about it. i got my pt test done and scored the best yet! i got my classes done and now just twooo finals! i'm gonna study most of the weekend... or maybe i'll just drink and study from sunday on. :/
but! i'll study either way. i'm so excited for semester to be done! and i'm sooooo happy. i know my grades won't be the best due to my slight depression the first few months of school. but i bounced back! and i realized pleeeeenty of life long lessons and i couldn't be more happy... bring on the pain, life. i ain't scared of you anymore. C: oh! and bring on the homework school, cause i'ma gonna rock yo ass next semester! aaaaaand bring on the toughness, ROTC because i'm ready for it!

beautiful day.

sh.

.words.

My breathing came in short spurts. I could see the finish line and I was not about ready to slow down. Two and a half miles later and I was almost there! Come on, Sarah. Just a few more steps! I had just crossed the finish line at the state cross country meet my eighth grade year. I had managed to place 47^th out of 120. I was feeling proud, minus the epic barfing sensation that was in my stomach. I was squirming as they herded us all through the gates like cattle. My excitement was cursing through my veins to see my family, especially my mother. I was certain that this would be the time that she would proclaim she was proud of me in front of everyone. Unfortunately, I did not know what was to come and if I did I would never have set myself up for disappointment.

The slow-moving line definitely was teaching me patience, but as I busted out and found my family I was really only looking for one person. Our eyes met. We both maintained eye contact as congratulations were being passed out by close and distance family members. For some reason I did not care what anyone had to say but her.

Her lips started to move, my stomach dropped as she said, “Well at least we know what you need to work on for next year.”

She laughed and hit my shoulder…

I was once told that actions speak louder than words. In my younger years, I may have believed this to be true. Fists got the point across. Not speaking to someone for hours on end has proven itself to be a very valid point-maker, however, now that I know the meaning to twenty-five percent of the words in the English language, my beliefs have changed their direction.

My whole life, I have been walking a path that I assumed my mother would love for me to be on and, if you knew my mother -hard-ass, stone-cold, heartless- you would understand the perfect terminology to refer to her by. Basically she is never pleased. No matter how hard you try, how deep you dig, it is still not good enough. I spent the vast majority of my time trying to make an impressed expression appear on her face; unfortunately, all my attempts were failures. It was not until I realized that I would never reach the heights my mother desired, that not only do words hurt when spoken, they also destroy in silence.

I sat through years of yelling and screaming, disappointment and frustration, before I realized that words truly mean everything. My mother’s bitter words stung like a bitch, bit like a snake, and ate away at my main sources of functioning, being my heart and brain. However, as they were eating my insides raw, I finally learned how to use them to my advantage. No, I did not use them on any one to make myself feel better; I simply let them flow out of me and on to that thin slice of wood. You could say that when I realized I could express anything and everything I wanted too without any criticism, it was a blessing in my life, a savior of some kind.

My realization about words came around the time of my freshman year. Fifteen years of growing up to strive to be the perfect child your mother wanted, or perhaps needed, definitely was taking it’s toll on me. However, all I would have to do is write, sing, or do whatever I could that involves words and I would be okay. My freshman and sophomore years, I started playing with words that others wrote, simply because I was not quite smart enough to think of any on my own. I was new to this whole “colorful words” concept. So naturally, I was a lyrical maniac. I quoted lyrics all the time. I sang all the time. I even created my own songs. I gave myself fully to my savior. I do not believe I would have made it if we would not have found each other and it was in each other that we both grew.

As my writing developed, my relationship with my mother started becoming more distant. I became an upper classman in high school and my whole mind set changed. I did not have to spend my life pleasing her. I needed to be me. When I was going into my junior year of high school, I finally realized that. My words became unstoppable.

My writing style went from ‘clearly a freshman’ to ‘insanely sick’ and if you do not know the lingo, my writing became good. Markings on my paper leaned less towards criticism and more towards the A+ every child loves to see. Words became my best friend. Of course, no one but my teachers would be aware of this because I do not tend to use them as efficiently in casual conversation as I should. However, writing brought my mind to unthinkable levels that even surprised me. All my emotions I would love to share are written in various ways on various sheets in various notebooks. I love to write. I have loved it since my junior year and I am passionate about it.

I think it is safe to assume that my infatuation with writing will never lessen. Through all of my childhood I blindly believed that words had no impact on a person until the day reality came and sucker-punched me in the stomach. Looking into my mother’s eyes and seeing silent letters scroll across her pupils brought me to believe that words are everything. Words, in their conniving ways, have always been there just waiting to be used for the good or the worse. It is these inanimate objects that saved me from the fires of Hell. They are my sunshine on a rainy day. I am fairly certain I will be escorting words down the path of rough terrain that they call life until I keel over and stop breathing. Writing and just words themselves have helped me get through some sticky situations throughout my life and I do not intend to stop using the words that supposedly cannot hurt.

hold.on.

come on skinny love just last the year.
pour a little salt we were never here.
staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer.
i tell my love to wreck it all.
cut out all the ropes and let me fall.
right in the moment this orders tall,
and i told you to be patient,
and i told you to be fine.
and i told you to be balanced,
and i told you to be kind.
in the morning i'll be with you,
but it will be a different kind.
cause i'll be holding all the tickets
and you'll be owning all the fines.
come one skinny love,
what happened here?
suckle on the hope and lite brassiere.
sullen load is full so slow on the split.
and i told you to be patient,
and i told you to be fine.
and i told you to be balance,
and i told you to be kind.
now all your love is wasted,
then who the hell was i?
cause now i'm breaking at the britches,
and at the end of all your lines.
who will love you?
who will fight?
and who will fall, far behind?





am.

.canvas.

when i look back on my life, it's not that i don't want to see things exactly as they happened. it's just that i prefer to remember them in an artistic way. and truthfully the lie of it all is much more honest because i invented it. clinical phycology tells us trauma is the ultimate killer. memories are not recycled like atoms and particles in quantum physics, they can be lost forever. it's sort of like my past is an unfinished painting, and as the artist of that painting i must fill in all the ugly holes and make it beautiful again. it's not that i've been dishonest, it's just that i loathe reality.





am.

.mygreatestmemory.

i fucking miss you.



sh.

november.30th

it'ssss my lover, secret keeper, perfect hand to hold, partner in crime, bestest friend's birthday!

i am so thankful for the day of november 30, 1992!!


looooove you!




am.

.babydoll.

oh, sweetheart.
where you walk, i'll lay the brightest red carpet.
where you sleep, i'll lay the softest down.
where you cry, i'll lay the smoothest tissues.
where you talk, i'll lay the sweetest listener.
where you fall, i'll lay the bestest friend.. and i'll lay the biggest kiss on your forward. and i'll lay the cheesiest lines to comfort you. and i'll lay you down in my arms and carry you. because we're battle buddies to the very end. and you never leave a buddy behind.

oh, sweetheart. it always sucks until we become strong enough to tolerate it. it'll bet better. i'll always be here. call me anytime, love.

i love you and miss you with all my heart.

i wish, i wish with all my heart to be with my bestie in a land apart.

.sh.

.i miss her.

i need saturday more than anything right now.
i need to get everything off my mind.
i need to ony think about my best friend.


please don't let me fall.



am.

.you'remybestfriend.

You stand by me. You believe in me like nobody ever has. When my world goes crazy, you're right there to save me. You make me see how much I have..
A.a.m., I heart you very much. I miss you.
See you saturdAy. C:

.sh.

p.s. See ya soon than? C:

.give into me.

I'm gonna wear you down,
I'm gonna make you see.
I'm gonna get to you,
you're gonna give into me.
I'm gonna start a fire,
you're gonna feel the heat.
I'm gonna burn for you,
you're gonna melt for me.

Come on, come on,
into my arms.
Come on, come on,,
give into me.

Whisper the sweetest words,
and if you're ever sad,
I'll make you laugh,
I'll chase the hurt.
My heart is set on you,
I don't want no one else.
And if you don't want me,
I guess I'll be all by myself.

Come on, come on,
give into me.


am.

.forgiveness.

You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.

You forgive me for missing you so,
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.

You forgive me for playing your games,
And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.

You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.

You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.

You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

You forgive me for being so pathetic,
And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.

You forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.

You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I'll forgive you for crushing them.

..you forgive me for walking away,

and I'll forgive you for not stopping me..

.sh.

bestest.friend

I am so lucky.
So lucky to have a friend like you.

<3

am.

.you're already the voice inside my head.

where are you?
and i'm so sorry,
i can not sleep, i can not dream tonight.
i need somebody and always,
this sick strange darkness comes creeping on,
and haunting everytime.


am.

.oursong.

I've been..

dreaming of you.
missing you.
waiting for our time.
impatient with how slow time has been passing.
holding dearly to the fact I'll get to see you soon.
hoping you're just as anxious as I am.

I've been..

sh.

.i'm falling.

everything is spiralling out of control.
i now only eat once a day if that. i'm just never hungry anymore and i don't know why.
i am always tired, no matter how much i sleep i just want to sleep more.
i actually meet tons of new and exciting people but when i sit and think all i think of is being with my best friend.
seems like people are trying to tear us apart again. even 2 of the closest people i know.

i just want to be where you are.
i want to run to you and sit on your bed late at night talking about my day,
or what is bothering me.
i want to go get taco johns late at night.
i want you to braid my hair once a week again.
i want to stay up and take pictures all night.
i want to watch scary movies and hold on to you so tight to make sure you're there.

i don't want to go through this transition without you.
going from seeing you everyday and every night to hardly ever is killing me.
that last long gaze we shared is imprinted in my mind.
it was like a help me.
don't leave me.
don't forget me.



am.

.someoneoncetoldmewordscan'thurt.

..fuck this.




sh.

maybe.maybe not.

people have been coming up to me and telling me how much you've changed.
i told them wrong and i didn't want ot believe them.
one even said how you occasionally start to put my name in with a bunch of foul language.
i still didn't believe, but i started watching.
and you have changed.
a lot.



am.

.today'sthedaywhendreamingends.

I FUCKING MISS YOU..




.sh.

please. please come save me.

you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be.
and i don't wanna go.
all i can breathe is our memories.
and you can't fight the tears that keep coming.
i just only want you to know who i am.
because i don't think the world understands.

i need my other half.
it isn't physcially possible for a human to only live with half their parts.

i miss you.
i need you.


......i miss you.


am.

.ripped.up.jeans.got.to.rule.the.world.

i hate this. i feel so small right now. this has happened to me twice already. the first one was hard enough. i don't need another.. i wanna say i that it's just a phase. i wanna say there's no signs.. but all the signs are there.. and i'm wrong again..

i'm wrong..

..i'm wrong.

"my mother accused me of losing my mind but i swore i was fine..."


sh.

.where'd you go?.

i
i m
i mi
i mis
i miss
i miss y
i miss yo
i miss you.


am.

help.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
that's basically how i can sum up everything that i'm feeling right now.
first off, it is only the first day of classes and already have a butt load of homework! like seriously what the hell!
secondly, i miss my bestest friend in the entire world. i hate when i'm walking and i see all these best friends rooming together and laughing and walking together. ugh soo that's frustrating.
and third, i just feel lost. i don't know why, but i just do. i don't know what i want in life anymore. i know i want answers, lots of them! but i don't know what questions i have....if that makes sense. i just wish i could go back to me knowing. me knowing exactly what i want.


am.

please.stop

if i had a wish,
any wish at all.
i wish this night would freeze.
tomorrow is going to come too soon.



am.

.Amor.

I have missed you.
I miss you.
I will miss you.

you're.my.priority.

oh my dearest best friend. these past days have been exciting and thrilling and basically amazing. i have missed you sooooo much! i should've fought for your attention more. but that's in the past because like always we fall into each others arms. and college is only another stepping stone that we'll make it through./

i pinky promise.



am.

.ohlove.

I've needed you for such a long time. I'm sorry he was in the way so much. But now he's not and I'm glad I can be with you. Because I've missed you like crazy girl.


sh.

bring it.

you're only going to let me down.
when it counts.
you're only going to turn me out.
as i burn, you burn out.
you're only going to make me feel so crazy.
but when i think we could be something.
you go and let me down.




am.

.runaway.

It's been a long week. I've got a slow leak in my left front tire. I'm sick of where I work. My boss is such a jerk, don't care if I get fired. My backs about to break, no money in the bank, and he don't call me anymore. I'm down to my last ring. It's time to sell my things.

I'm gonna pack my bags and never look back run a parallel line with the railroad tracks and make my get away. I put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down and everybody's sleeping in this sleepy town tonight and at the break of day..
I'll be a runaway..
It's crazy I know to count on this road to give me what I need. But with every state line somehow I find another part of me.


sh.

please believe.

there's no way i would ever forget you.
time will always go on and i will never lose you.
always stay in touch.
i mean it's kinda hard to go on in life with only half of me.


am.

.ijustwannabemad4awhile.

I didn't talk to you bc I felt like my two best friends totally ditched camping. I was so excited I told you a month in advance and I know you didn't tell Kelly right away bc that's just the way you are. But I would've thought you would've made an attempt. So I was waiting for an apology but at the bonfire you were just having all this fun with everyone else so I left. You didn't even look at me or try to say anything.. So I thought I'd return the favor.. It's not easy for me to be sitting at home all alone while you're out with lexy doing all your inside jokes either. I'd be in the same situation but I just choose to stay in doors bc I know I'll be left. You'll forget me next year. And the year after that. And the year after that..

sh.

miss you more. unbelievably more. but lance and I are on a break. if that sparks your intrest at all.

ouchie.

i miss you.

i miss you so much.

i miss you so much that it hurts.




am.

lost.in.you.

maybe you don't realize it. but when she's back, you change. and i don't feel as if it's a good change. i know you haven't seen her in forever and that she's obviously the true best friend of yours but you don't have to pretend like i don't exist. i'm standing here looking like a stupid dog waiting to get approval or something. i know that it's my fault too, that i could try. but you try walking up to 2 laughing girls having crazy fun together. sitting there doing their inside jokes and telling their secrets. it's not easy.

i don't have someone like her. all i have is you. which i thought was always enough, but now i'm thinking otherwise. i don't like standing alone in the rain watching my best friend run off with someone else with the umbrella.


am.

.Lonely.

I'm hurt.
I'm disappointed.
I'm scared.
I miss him already.
I miss her.
I refuse to admit it's probably for the best.
I hate endings.
And I'm going to pray for sanctuary.


Sh.

reaching the end.

is this dark hole comforting or lonely?


am.

reaching the end.

is this dark hole comforting or lonely?


am.

.theverdict.

the left..

..the right

....

i choose..

..exit now.

sh.

.weneverwere.

YouRe absence became second nature. At the time I was glad you no longer were there. But since you've been with me recently. I can't help but look at you all the time.. I want to know your thoughts feelings and everything about you all the time. I know I'll be abandoned soon but not without saying this,
"i miss you."
I have for so long. It's taken me two years to admit it but I did. I'm so sorry for everything. I told you it'd be my fault and it is.. I don't necessarily wish things were different but.. I do wish. However,
That's not how our song goes.

Sh.

.isweariloveyou.

I don't know what to do. A part of me shut down that night. As in, I feel like I gave up on you. :C I'm so sorry. Now you're perfect. You've changed into an amazing being but.. I am out at sea and I'm afraid I've lost my compass. :C you don't deserve this. I'm so sorry. But idk what to do. My brains telling me to walk but my hearts telling me to give it a shot.. Either decision will leave me with a massive feeling of guilt.. :C I love you.

sh.

thatsong.

She must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing and the modern languages to deserve the word. And something in her air and manner of walking. And of course she must improve her mind by extensive reading.

I'm no longer surprised at you knowing only six accomplished women. I rather wonder now at your knowing any.

Are you so severe on your own sex?

I never saw such a woman. She would certainly be a fearsome thing to behold.

Maybe it's that I find it hard to forgive the follies and vices of others, or their offences against me. My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever.

sh.

lets be blunt here.

judge me.....and i'll prove you wrong.

tell me what to do.....and i'll tell you off.

say i'm not worth it.....and watch where i end up.

call me a bitch.....and i'll show you one.

screw me over.....and i'll do it twice as bad to you.


and when i say i want to forgive and forget. i want to forgive you and then i went to forget you.


am.

.quitplayingames.

We're dancing around this pathetic excuse of a relationship with out even the courtesy of calling it the fox trot. I don't think I can leap and jive and twirl around much longer. So, let's make a deal and call it quits. I know we were waiting til college but our ending is calling us. I'll stop loving you and you stop loving me because we clearly were never meant to have made it this far. Let's break up and live the lives we're supposed to.. Separate.

Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend, you have been the one. You have been the one for me.

sh.

who could stop a train wreck?

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart.It means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart kind of pain. I hate love.


am.

dance.

It makes me wonder if I know what I'm doing. It makes my hope a little bigger. Which is crazy. It's amazingly fun spontaneous meetings like that that make me love this place. However, does it just stop there? Is HE trying to send me a message saying never give up? ..I hope so.

sh.

Ps. I got your back too. C:

her. me. us. we.

i got you back :)


am.

C:

Tonight is going to be fun. C:

sh.

SH.

Dear other woman that shared this blog with moi,

i have plenty of free time to hang with you. i will ALWAYS have time for my bestie! but you would always be my first option if i knew you were free. i guess communication kinda sucks again, ha. i'll stop assuming you'll always be with your bf lol. but! it would be nice if you would txt meee once in awhile to let me know what you little body is doing!!

lovess youuu!!
:)

Am.

Dear fellow user who shares this blog with me,
I would love to be with you soon. I know you have a lot of people you hangout with and I'm not asking to take you away from them, but if there's a night when you're sitting at home doing nothing, text me. I'll be waiting for you. I know I'm not the person you ask first to see what theyre doing, but I'd like to be kinda close to the others. I'm not with my boyfriend nearly as often as you think. Anywho, I'll wait for you.

Sh.

i love us.

soo this night has been in my mind for a couple days now. me and this girl took a little road trip to sioux falls. yes, not very far but it was an amazing night. i can have sooo much fun with this woman anytime and anywhere. we were joking around and couldn't stop laughing all night long. also, hangover 2 and delicious taco john's was a great touch! annnd no bowling was pretty relieving too. :P

anywho, i just can't wait for another night just like that.

:)

.hello/goodbye.

..can you see me? Because I'm here.. I'm right behind everybody that you've put infront of me.. But I'm still here..

sh.

smilin'.

I'll never forget when you told me to just forget the world. I'll always remember you saying that they'll get what they deserve. I remember you telling me it's okay not to smile, to let your feelings out. You told it was bad to bottle everything up because that leads to break downs. I remember all these things. I remember you. What you looked like. I knew your smell. I knew the way you thought. I knew what annoyed you. The things you absolutely hated. The things you loved..

But now you're gone. We're gone. But that's okay. Because I wouldn't take it back for the world.

Thank you.

sh.

.me.you.them.

Yesterday was a horrible day. Everybody was talking about you. But it wasn't the person I knew. Your name was being thrown around with derogatory remarks. I protested. But they seemingly proved me wrong. I crumpled.. Everything became unrealistic. Everything became lies. Second guessing was all I could do..
That night I finally spoke of it to someone. Someone I trust beyond belief.. I told them a story. I told them its meaning. I told them everything.. And I cried. I couldnt hardly breath. I couldn't even speak your name without choking on my words. Soooo many tears. It was slightly annoying. But the guilt and shame I felt inside of myself were too much to keep in any longer. I've been clinging so long to the hope. I've been clinging so long to the faith. However, I have no idea what happened. But I was told to stop clinging to something that never was there..
But I don't think I can. It's become second nature because I've been doing it most of my life..
Perhaps, I cling to the hope because I just can't believe that I helped in creating this "monster."

I'm so sorry. 18 years together and this is where we are.. I hope for you. My faith in you will always be there. And I wish you the best of luck on you journey..


P.s. I thank them for listening.. It meant the absolute world to me.

sh.

today is thee day.

all your blood, sweat, tears and smiles over the years all come together for this last day. the day where you can look at all the faces that made it hard to get through high school, the ones that changed, the ones that got you through everyday and the ones that judged because apparently they had nothing else better to do. all in all, this class will sit together one last time.
some people will come back, some never will and some will stay in this town their whole life. it's bitter sweet. some people i could care less if i see again. and others like my best friend i'll feel like a part of me is missing. it'll take a long time to get over that feeling. maybe i never will. i'm one of those people where i find that ONE friend and i NEED them. i absolutely need them. but i'm not too worried. together we can accomplish anything. we're each others halves. we can't be totally separated.

ready. set. go.

am.

Graduation.

This is it. After this everybody can start over. New places, new faces. Unfortunately whenever you come back, everyone will judge you for who you were, not who you've become. So if you're not okay with who you are today, don't come back.
I feel anxious, but nervous. Happy, but sad.
On the brightside you don't have to see any of your class mates again if that's what you choose. After all, you can spend only soooo many years with someone before they become that annoyance.
I know this thought is super random and won't pertain to anything. But here it goes:
"Damn, I fell for it again.. Shame on you."

sh.

let.it.go

and in the end everyone turns out to be the person they swore they'd never become.


am.

.at.last.

i feel sick.
nauseas.
maybe it's because i'm hungry..
mmmmm..
or perhaps it's because of my brain..
hmmmm..
i guess it could be because of track..
blah..
anywho, bottom line.
i feel sick..
nauseas.


sh.

no words.

i'm lost.

and it hurts.





am.

2nd.fam.

I love those girls. I would never trade anything in the world for the memories I have had with them. It's odd, why must a simple thing, like a sport, bring four girls so close? Is it the four or five years you spend with them? Perhaps it's all those relays you've won with them. Maybe it's all the hard practices we've helped each other through.. Either way, I'll miss them. The sun days, the bitter cold days, the windy days, and the rainy days. mer. :C
"We capitalize on our strengths and help each other through our weaknesses, because no family memeber gets left behind."

I'll miss you, girls. Youve changed me in ways I'd only hope to be changed. I love you!
I love you.

sh.

i'm dying to know.

i wanna know why pain makes me stronger.
i wanna know why good men die.
i wanna know why i am so afraid of the dark.
i wanna know why we're given eyes when faith is what's supposed to make you see.
i wanna know is it easier to doubt, or harder to believe.
i wanna know why i can't just have all the answers.

how could success make us feel like failures?
how come the harder we fall the harder we try?
how come the more we have the more we need?

so many questions, but not enough time.

am.

.ditchit.

a little honesty would be nice.. how many pleads does a pleader plead before a pleader pleads their plead? as many pleads as a pleader could, if a pleader pleads their plead.


i promise.

sh.

time.

the thing i learned about time is that is always runs out. but i just want one person to keep all my secrets, one person to hold all my tears, one person to call in the middle of the night, one person to laugh with until my stomach hurts. i just want my bestest friend.

i promise to never let you fade away, if you promise not to let me fade either


am.

getready.getset..thinking.

i've been thinking. ooh, have i been thinking. i hate thinking. it makes me so emtional. which makes me completely vulnerable. which makes me hate thinking. oh boi, i'm just like my mother. eh, that's okay, i like her. C:
anywho, i've mainly been thinking about my future..
.
.
.
.
yes, that is me drawing a blank. which is incredibly crazy because i have told soooo many people what my future will consist of. however, right now the only thing my brain tells me, when i think of my future, is you might need a bucket to throwup in, just in case. i'm nervous. extremely nervous. what if, what if, what if.. i can't get the questions out of my head. usually i would be comforted because all the answers to my what if's were the same: she'll get me through. but, as i've found out with my previous best friend, they can't be there nearly as much when they're miles away..
now that i have no answer, i'm lost. more so than i've been before. however, she'll be within my reach during certain times: Days off, visits, parties.. but how long will that last? the visits will lessen. the parties will become lame.. forgetfulness will take over. that's a horribly depressing thought. a thought that has been knocking at my door for a long time. when she first started to become my world, i knew the day would come. you see it everywhere. the idea of loving what was and moving on to what will be..
however, there's always a what if, isn't there? maybe appearances won't lessen. maybe forgetfulness will never come. maybe comfort will remain in her for the rest of my life.. it could happen..

i hate thinking.
skh.

just breathe.

i thought i was ready for this whole journey after high school. Well, idk i still am, like i'm super excited!! buuuut i'm just not ready to leave some things behind...or someone. not seeing my bestest friend everyday makes me feel alone in a way, like i'm starting all over. and maybe that's what college is all about, starting over. but i know what starting over feels like. i've went to five different schools, five! each school was different and i had different types of friends. the recent one was going from a really perfect, cliquy school to a small town one. and i've watched and been so many different people trying to find myself. my previous school was so, sooo different than the one i go to now. the mistakes i made at my school now wouldn't have been mistakes at all at the larger one with cliques. you were expected to start drama and pretty much live a selfish manner. no one there at schools like those are really your friends. they're fake friends. i've learned so much from my best friend here at this school. she's helped me more than she could ever imagine. it may not look like it but i was completely and utterly screwed up for a long time. i had to go to the office in elementary school and say goodbye to my dad for a very long time. i basically grew up without a father. my mom has five kids. it was way to hard for her to manage that and her huge job all on her own. we would have baby sitters almost every night. my mom would go on dates quite often and tried to start her love life over again. my family was screwed up for a very long time.
i know there's truly no excuses but it took me awhile to understand right from wrong. i had so many things in front of my face or missing completely for almost 6 years. it's not an easy thing to deal with. my dad complains at how much he wants to see us more but yet he doesn't move up here closer to us. he's the one that has to take the step, not us. he's the grown father and we're the kids. he's made way too many mistakes for a regular father. he's missed so much of my life. and now i'm going to college and i'll see even less of him. he's had sooo many chances to change that but he hasn't.
the sad thing is that the last time i truly saw his as a "dad" and not just my father was almost 8 years ago. my best friend kind of filled his spot. she picked me up when i was down, we fought and got angry at each other but we both learned how to see from the other's point of view. we helped each other grow into the people we are today. i don't want this to be the end of her and i's friendship. i want to always stay in touch and be great friends when we're 40 and older.

i'm gonna miss her. more than i could ever express in words, actions or tears.