really? wow.

okay seriously.
i'm soooo done with trying to be nice to you and trying to act like everything is okay. because it's not. sooo here is goes. i'm just gonna let everything out and say what i think is bad about you because you call me a slut and whore because appartenly i'm all over guys? ha good one. you're the one always messing with guys are leading them one and has a new boyfriend or boy toy every month. sooo yeahh...
1. you're a bitch you really are
2. you make your "injuries" seem life threatening and try to get attention over it
3. you blame stuff you messed up on or if you don't do good in a sport on other people or just make up stupid excuses( ust shut up and admit that yeah you did a bad job)
4. you act like you like people to their face and then talk bad about them to other people
5. you get angry and pissed at the smallest things...exapmles( me accidently hitting you with a volleyball during warm up, track ppl not telling EVERYONE why they were wearing black and i'm sure i could go on and on with the examples!)
6.you always drag me into your problems some how. like i said up above about you saying that i'm a bad person and is all over guys and such a slut....ha take a look in the mirror honey. you won't like what you see. you txt our guy friends and tell them you like them and then tell guys from others towns you don't...you lead sooooo many people on it's not even funny!
7. you make it seem like everyone is obsessed with you when actually they really aren't! you come up to us and say omg my ex over there just came up to me and was all over me and it was sooo weird...when we saw you, SAW YOU walk straight up to him and laugh and be all touchy with him!
8. so yeahh you also need to fix your lying!!!!!!!
9. you say everyone lies and has sooo many flaws when really it's you!

soo yeah i'm done with you and all your problems. i'm not even gonna try to act like i like you anymore because after this time i'm seriously done with you. every once of friendship is gone.
goodbye.

am.

.a.little.more.than.normal.=]

soooo. mick's birthday was on saturday. here's some main events:

-Guys in hoods scared the shit out of us.

-Found out the guys in hoods were nate and jake..pissin us off. haha.

-Got stuff for some fun! =]

-(Alcohol)

-Went to Jake's Basement. Drank.

-Watched Avatar on our stomachs!

-Kissed a Girl. =] whoops.

-Mick smashed a zebra cake on my face. =[ lol.

-A whole butt load of people came.

-I yelled at Derrick. =S whoops.

-Mick got yelled at by Derek. haha.

-Nathan could stay!

-We all got super happy! lol.

-Than sad cause mick and i couldn't. haha.

-Drove home.

-Slept with my bestie.

-The end!

all in all. pretty kicking night. lol. bad parts.. we have picture as evidence of the not so good parts. lol. and boys won't let it go. =] lol.

.a.a.m.

..there's a hill we gotta climb. there's a treasure we must find. the two of us as friends we're ready to take on the world.

..we'll so who can touch the sky. we'll see who can jump that high. everyday is an adventure we're ready to take on the world.

..and thru all the ups and downs. i'll always be around. you know when nothing goes your way. when nothing goes your way.

you know i will..

i'll stand between you and your darkest fears.

you know i will..

i'll be the shoulder for your falling tear.

you know i will..

i'll be behind you til you're in the clear.

[.sh.]

idk.....

i don't know what i keep doing wrong. everything i do now just makes people pissed off. i try to talk to my one and only last night and be all cheery and then i go to leave and say goodnight darling love you! and all i get is a goodnight. then the next morning i try to talk to her, but she just ignores be and doesnt even aknowledge im there. and lets some other girl scoot in between us. she had this stupid little toy i gave her this morning...wasnt even like really important to me but she destroyed it...on purpose. well idk if she did it but she wore it around like for me to see. it's not the fact of what it was bc that toy wasnt a big deal to me it was just the fact that it was something of mine and she ruined it. :(

idk what to do anymore. im not good enough for anyone.

i give up.

am.

.thedaggerthatgentlylaidmysoultorest.

..he came back. i thought i would love the day where he wanted me back. but i don't. it's horrible knowing rather than not knowing..

now i'm all sorts of confused. i cant be had by him. i like who i'm with. but another feeling is making its way up to the top too..

but i'm going to get "it." i don't know what i'll do once i possess "it." maybe let go. maybe become attached. who knows.

a bond is being broken. hardly in realization. the weights to heavy not to notice. the serial ness of it however can go unlooked upon. idk if you get it. idk if you're trying. i hope you do. and i hope you are. bc i need you..

..and i don't want to keep getting hurt..

..i don't want to keep letting you..

..i want you to realize..

..i want a lot..

[.skh.]

.adam'stopten.

adam.

1. loves bubbles.

2. has a massive tongue.

3. has a massive head.

4. dances like a pro.

5. has pickup lines that will blow you away.

6. literally, you will walk away..

7. has sick running skills.

8. has lucious hair.

9. has a huge.. you know. :)

10. can only be defined as.. adam.

:) ...

She's as pretty as a picture
Every bit as funny as she is smart
Got a smile that'll hold you together
And a touch that'll tear you apart

When she's yours she brings the sunshine
When she's gone the world goes dark
Yeah, she's heaven on the eyes
But boy, she's hell on the heart.

am.

blue topaz heart

i used to have your necklace tight around my neck every morning when i woke up and held it tight every night when i went to bed.

some time passed and i just let it sit on my dressor. it would temp me every single day. and reminding me of someone i didn't wanna think of.

i put it on the other day and looked at it around my neck in the mirror. i pondered for a bit and took it off. i put in the garbage. it looks much better there.



am.

saving lives.

i think promise rings are overrated. if a guy is willing to commit like that, why wouldn't he just ask you to marry him? why prolong what he basically says is going to happen with a promise ring.

i promise to promise you that i'll someday get married to you.

bull shit! first off. men's promises don't mean anything. unless it's your gay best friend, i would never trust a guy until he proves himself trustworthy. my friend got a promise ring from her boyfriend last year.. an update: she isn't with him anymore (what a promise) and i now have the ring. (i have a fettish with shiny things)

bottom line is. promises are stupid if they don't mean anything.. no. scratch that. all promises are stupid. if you want to have a secret kept between two people then you have to pinky promise. bc those are ligit.

and if you break them. there's a 100% possibility that you're going to hell. :)

[.sh.]

breath.

The frost bitten air grabbed my breath and stabbed my lungs as he led the way into the damp forest. I could feel the rage of numbness over taking my body instantly. I fell into sync with his footsteps. Left, right, left, right, his rhythmic pattern embedded into my mind as i followed him almost too closely, like a child afraid of losing her most prized possession.. Only one part of the big picture was on my mind, i was going to miss him entirely. He had been my best friend ever since we met in fourth grade and boy did he fit the part perfectly. HE was my one and only. HE was the magnet that held the best to the friend. HE was James Tyler Moore..

i'm writing a story. i think i like it.

sh.

B.A.

why do we spend our whole lives waiting for the impossible?

you think we'd have more sense then that.

sh.

wreck.

i know you could have been easier on me
you could have been all i held on to
i know you weren't fair
and i tried my best to not care about you.
i know you could have been a better man
but you always had to have the upper hand
so now i'm struggling to see the better side of me.

i guess i never knew you after all.

am.

done.

i did it. i finally broke away from you and your nonsense. you tried to get me to stick around incase what you have going gor you now doesn't work out. but no. i'm done. i'm cutting every string that holds us together. you said i mean a lot to you and want to talk to me and want to be friends. but i finally stuck up for myself. no. we can't be friends. we can't be anything. there is no we anymore. there could have been, but i'm not willing to put my heart on the line anymore for you. you abused the privledge. so now i'm gone.

see ya.

am.

go.

so a friend and i bonded yesterday by cleaning out our cars. barely any words were said, but really none had to be spoken. it was nice in its own little way. i'd even go as far as to say it was peaceful. i liked it. how awkward right?

i find it kind of weird that i can find so much enjoyment out of nothing. it was manual labor and it took awhile but it was good. i think i liked that i could just be in my own mind and have that comfort of not being alone. i didn't have to speak of the events that went on in my day or anything. i could rest in my thoughts.

she didn't push any subjects either. she probably was thinking the same thing as i was, sometimes it's nice not to have question and answers. it's nice to be understood without a breath passing btw two people.
.sh.

.edits.

i woke up this morning with one thing on my mind. chaos. i don't know what that means or if i should even ponder it at all. but i do. so many things go on in a persons life that just make it chaotic. but what i hate is when someone thinks that their life is so much worse then any one else's. everybody has their problems. some just choose not to be affected by then.

as i'm writing this i'm not sure why i even said some of the things i said. i guess that's what happens to a person if they wake up with one word on their mind. chaos.

sh.

..

"Hello," he said.

"Goodbye," i whispered.

sh.

game over.

okay. so when two people break up don't you think that they'd still some what care for the other person?

of course you will. well, certain people claim they don't but yet act all angry towards the other and then always tried to find any girl to flirt with. if you're flirting with her best friend then obviously you want to get her attention because you still care and want her to to be jealous, but really you're the jealous one.

get over yourself...mmmk?

the other other guy. stop like never talking to me and then all of a sudden start txtin me smile faces and saying you love my mom and doind stupid little thing to me....and then you act like it was all nothing. like it's okay for you to keep playing me like this.

well, i see past everything you're doing now. you can't fool me anymore.

game over.

am.

..blinded.

i cried. i missed. i wished. i wanted. i dreamed.. all because of you. because you left me.

but the truth is, it's your loss.

you'll cry. you'll miss. you'll wish. you'll want. you'll dream.. all because of me.

because you'll realize that i was the only person in the world who would never give up on you. and you'll be broken.

and i'll be ok.

sh.

it'll come back to get you.

i can see past your "innocence."

you may have everyone else fooled, but no. not me. i know who you really are. and who you are is a bad person. it makes me want to cry. it makes my sick to my stomach.

you could be someone so wonderful. the way you held me so gently. the guy you were around me. you were someone great. what happened?

why do you choosee to be this guy? why do you make hell for yourself? make hell for me?

am.

..few words.

i can't believe you.

hatred is burning through me veins.

i can't wait to look way better then anything you were looking for in someone else on the night that i get to be cinderella..

and you get to be that guy who could've been my prince charming.



!sh.

i don't understand.

what makes her so much better than me?!
how come you left my loving arms for hers? what does she have that i don't?

i gave you everything and you said you'd never leave me.you said i was perfect for you and you loved me because i was true and real and i actually cared. what happened?

what made you wanna leave? why didn't you trust in us? you found a new girl. and i look at her and wonder what she has that i don't....what made you leave me for her?

she now has you and i'm sitting here staring at her wishing i still had you.

am.

paint me a picture..

i woke up this morning. i recieved a fairly cute picture of you in your pajamas.. you made me smile with my tears. you're hilariously funny. sure you have some bad habits, but don't we all? ..your nice. you aaalways compliment me. something i never had. but. when i wanna smile in your eyes, i can't. when i want to playfully hit you bc i can, i can't. when i want to hold your hand for reassurance, i can't. when i want to collapse in your arms bc the weight of everthing is too heavy for me to hold by myself.. i can't.

i woke up this morning. i recieved a fairly cute picture of a guy in his pajams.. i instantly thought of you. you made me laugh so hard. you were like the biggest challenge i have ever been given. you were so hard to figure out, but i admired that about you. you didn't say many cute things but when you did they were worth the wait. and i can't forget the way you called me baby.. like you didn't want it to sound to serious but yet you added just enough to it to make it mean something.. baby. when i want to tell you to come back to me, i can't. when i want to scream at you and tell you that you're causing me so much pain, i can't. when i want to feel you kiss me again, i can't. when i want to be with you all the time bc i got so used to that feeling.. i can't.

i will wake up to tomorrow. with the same problems. i'll wish i was with they one i want to be w, but i'll never get to be with bc of distance. and i'll wish i could just forget the one i need to be with, but i'll text him first and continue this nonsense.

.sh.

...ouch.

that really hurt.

am.

oblivious.

loud sirens sounded as a warm feeling took over my mind when you said, "i love you."

..but your lips were kissing my ears, muting them from the warning i wish i'd have heard.

..sh.

i love my bestie. :) don't cha just loooove having someone there that's like. your twin but in a different body? ..heheheehhehehehehe. i do! she's amazingly gorgeous and soo much fun. it's amazing the bond btw us. not that we're lesbians by any means. well. unless like i had to kiss her so she wouldn't die. theeen maybe i would. haha. but she's amazing.. and has shifty eyes.. <-just kidding. :) buut! it's so crazy how not even the slightest mask can be think enough to keep her from knowing that something is wrong. it's incredible that everytime something happens to me. or anytime i have a huge secret, i'm never scared to tell her. i'm never afraid she'll judge me. which, in my opinion is absolutely terrific! well anywho.. bottom line is. i love my bestie. :)

sh.

hearts don't break gently

what am i gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
and what am i supposed to say when i'm all choked up and you're okay?

am.

thinking never injured anyone.. false.

the more i think of wanting you.. the more my heart pumps so hard it hurts.

the more i think of needing you.. the more my heart skips too many beats.

the more i think of you.. the more my heart falls to pieces.

..sh.

today's a new day, or so i wish

yet another day. you see that one person that hurt you the most and still you want their arms to be the ones hugging you ever so tight. you long for their smell, and sit at home wondering what they are doing. wondering if they ever. ever. think about you as much as you think about them. only time can heal i guess. a heart never breaks evenly. and when it breaks it takes a lifetime to heal. why can't it be like flesh, or bone. hurt for a couple days and be over. the heart is only an organ, helping your body survive when really at the same time it can be destroying you.

the one question i long for an answer is, how can you love someone so much, leave them and then feel nothing? nothing at all.

am.

lucid.

loyalty. loyalty should be easily understood should it not? it should be a lucid term. one would think. so many people aren't loyal. imagine how less likely you are to really damage a person if you just stay loyal to them.

loyalty: the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations.

.....sh.

blahhhh

girl drama!!

gott love it. not. wow we're juniors and only have like one year left with everyone yet some people always decide to feel the need to always start something. helloooo. talking behind peoples back and being a bitch gets you know where. you wonder why no one is super close to you like they used to be, well take a good look in the mirror honey. would you wanna be your own friend. you aren't even a true friend. to anyone! you're friends to them to their face and then bad talk them two seconds later.....
and the other girl. we dont like your boyfriend. he's our friend too. and you left first so we didnt wanna just leave him at the game alone, and make him walk home like you planned on making him do. and you say we were bad friends because we didnt ask you to hang out. well you left first and you haven't hung out with either of us since like eighth grade so why in the hell does it matter now?!?
soooo yeah. he's a big fuck you to you two ladies!!! peace out.

am.

The worst kind of heart break is when you totally know that they'll crush you in the end. Yet, you still give everything you have hoping that they don't hurt you; and after awhile they seem to have changed you you believe that he could actually be the one. No. People never change. They lead you on and turn around and kill you when you're most vulnerable.
That's the wosr kind of heart break. Trusting in someone you knew from the start would turn around and stab you in the back...

....am

Hate.

..there are many different kinds of happiness. but really only one kind of hate. happiness can act on a person in different ways. but hate acts on us all the same really. our blood boils, revenge is wanted, pain is caused. that's usually the only way hate is. i don't actually know if i've ever really truely hated someone of something.. bc evertime i thought i truely hated, deep down in side i've always secretly had a soft spot for the individual. so is it safe to say that you never really hate? you're just sooo undeniably hurt that you can't physically hurt anymore and the only emotion left to feel is anger bc your happiness went out the window a long time ago?.. now that i think about it. it only makes sense. hatred isn't really loathing someone for all enternity. it's really the outcome of the absence of happiness and the ability to not be able to physically be sad anymore..