smilin'.

I'll never forget when you told me to just forget the world. I'll always remember you saying that they'll get what they deserve. I remember you telling me it's okay not to smile, to let your feelings out. You told it was bad to bottle everything up because that leads to break downs. I remember all these things. I remember you. What you looked like. I knew your smell. I knew the way you thought. I knew what annoyed you. The things you absolutely hated. The things you loved..

But now you're gone. We're gone. But that's okay. Because I wouldn't take it back for the world.

Thank you.

sh.

.me.you.them.

Yesterday was a horrible day. Everybody was talking about you. But it wasn't the person I knew. Your name was being thrown around with derogatory remarks. I protested. But they seemingly proved me wrong. I crumpled.. Everything became unrealistic. Everything became lies. Second guessing was all I could do..
That night I finally spoke of it to someone. Someone I trust beyond belief.. I told them a story. I told them its meaning. I told them everything.. And I cried. I couldnt hardly breath. I couldn't even speak your name without choking on my words. Soooo many tears. It was slightly annoying. But the guilt and shame I felt inside of myself were too much to keep in any longer. I've been clinging so long to the hope. I've been clinging so long to the faith. However, I have no idea what happened. But I was told to stop clinging to something that never was there..
But I don't think I can. It's become second nature because I've been doing it most of my life..
Perhaps, I cling to the hope because I just can't believe that I helped in creating this "monster."

I'm so sorry. 18 years together and this is where we are.. I hope for you. My faith in you will always be there. And I wish you the best of luck on you journey..


P.s. I thank them for listening.. It meant the absolute world to me.

sh.

today is thee day.

all your blood, sweat, tears and smiles over the years all come together for this last day. the day where you can look at all the faces that made it hard to get through high school, the ones that changed, the ones that got you through everyday and the ones that judged because apparently they had nothing else better to do. all in all, this class will sit together one last time.
some people will come back, some never will and some will stay in this town their whole life. it's bitter sweet. some people i could care less if i see again. and others like my best friend i'll feel like a part of me is missing. it'll take a long time to get over that feeling. maybe i never will. i'm one of those people where i find that ONE friend and i NEED them. i absolutely need them. but i'm not too worried. together we can accomplish anything. we're each others halves. we can't be totally separated.

ready. set. go.

am.

Graduation.

This is it. After this everybody can start over. New places, new faces. Unfortunately whenever you come back, everyone will judge you for who you were, not who you've become. So if you're not okay with who you are today, don't come back.
I feel anxious, but nervous. Happy, but sad.
On the brightside you don't have to see any of your class mates again if that's what you choose. After all, you can spend only soooo many years with someone before they become that annoyance.
I know this thought is super random and won't pertain to anything. But here it goes:
"Damn, I fell for it again.. Shame on you."

sh.

let.it.go

and in the end everyone turns out to be the person they swore they'd never become.


am.

.at.last.

i feel sick.
nauseas.
maybe it's because i'm hungry..
mmmmm..
or perhaps it's because of my brain..
hmmmm..
i guess it could be because of track..
blah..
anywho, bottom line.
i feel sick..
nauseas.


sh.

no words.

i'm lost.

and it hurts.





am.

2nd.fam.

I love those girls. I would never trade anything in the world for the memories I have had with them. It's odd, why must a simple thing, like a sport, bring four girls so close? Is it the four or five years you spend with them? Perhaps it's all those relays you've won with them. Maybe it's all the hard practices we've helped each other through.. Either way, I'll miss them. The sun days, the bitter cold days, the windy days, and the rainy days. mer. :C
"We capitalize on our strengths and help each other through our weaknesses, because no family memeber gets left behind."

I'll miss you, girls. Youve changed me in ways I'd only hope to be changed. I love you!
I love you.

sh.

i'm dying to know.

i wanna know why pain makes me stronger.
i wanna know why good men die.
i wanna know why i am so afraid of the dark.
i wanna know why we're given eyes when faith is what's supposed to make you see.
i wanna know is it easier to doubt, or harder to believe.
i wanna know why i can't just have all the answers.

how could success make us feel like failures?
how come the harder we fall the harder we try?
how come the more we have the more we need?

so many questions, but not enough time.

am.