aam!

We're gonna stay up! and we're gonna take pictures! and we're gonna stay up some more! and we're gonna take more pictures! and we're gonna laugh and laugh and laugh! and we're gonna have so much fun! fun, fun, fun! i'm soooooooooooo excited!! i've missed you soooooooo much!!

happy day! happy day! happy day!




.sh.

&& here we go again.

seriously?? da fuck??!!
This is the 4th time I've been legit sick in the past few months! I have a headache, ear ache, my throat hurts, my body aches and am starting to get the puking feeling. All causing me to not be able to fall asleep. On top of that I have to get up for chem lab in less than 3 hours and have class straight until 5pm. A whole day of school and quizzes on 3 hours of sleep!! Are you kidding me?! It's not like it's enough not having my best friend with me, seeing one of my other good friend fall into so many bad holes, watching my whole family be in relationships while I'm single as shit. I'm going through this whole mess alone! So why not body, just be sick and make me more miserable.

I guess asking for a small break is waaay too much to ask!! ugggh fml.

Whatever, bring it on.



am.

.pity.

i've been thinking, a dangerous pass time, i know. my thoughts are twisting, dodging and tangling up in one another. however, one thought came out crystal clear through all the mumbo-jumbo. as if someone shined a light on this particular thought, i saw it clear as day.

you haven't grown up, yet. you're still stuck in the comfortably safe world that you had created for yourself with your parents and school. you hide behind your ever-so-innocent look that you've learned to milk very well throughout the years. you thrive on the dramas of your past life and you just cannot for the life of you give it up.

i feel extremely sorry for you, i really do. pity, even. but, i know this was all brought upon by you. all of our choices are our own. frightening? for sure. nevertheless i will continue setting the expectations high for you, and i will continue to be disappointed because you choose to choose wrong. and in that choosing, you've decided to not go out and make something of yourself. you're choosing to stay in the years where everything was simple because you are a afraid someone will tell you, you're not good enough.

well, you know what? no one is ever not good enough. they simply choose to be below the standards that they wish to achieve. i guess this concept becomes more clear when you grow older and more mature. the lucky ones mature early and realize this before it's too late.

fortunately, there isn't really a time limit on change. lucky for you. stop living in a world where you never actually live. grow up. face your fears. and become something.


sh.

.i'mready.

i'm ready for the nights to go back to the way they were.
i'm ready to always be by your side again.
i'm ready to turn to my right or left and see you there.
i'm ready to listen to your voice again.
i'm ready to spend nights being overly hyper for the hour.
i'm ready to take more action shots.
i'm ready to aimlessly walk around alcester at any hour.
i'm ready to laugh and laugh and laugh.
i'm ready to share all my burdens and secrets again.
i'm ready to lean on you and not air, again.
i'm ready to stop being jealous.
i'm ready to start being greedy, again.
i'm ready to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself because you're not here.
i'm ready to party with you every night of every week, again.
i'm ready to be your best friend again without a question.
i'm ready to stop missing us every day.
i'm ready to fill that whole with you again.
i'm ready for you.

i'm ready.

but i'm not ready for you to admit you don't feel the same way.


sh.

.apprehensive.

I have come across some new goals today.
1. I shall learn to write in cursive.
Good, that is.
2. I want to get a tattoo of a dream quote.
Somewhere, someday.




.sh

.icangothedistance.

ah, the school work has begun. the time as shrunk. the will has dwindled. the stress has fallen upon me. however, i'm gonna do it this semester. i'm gonna follow through on every goal. i'm gonna surprise everyone. i'm not gonna stop. i'm gonna trudge through until i reach the finish line. i'm gonna do this.

i will not bow.


sh.

skm.aaam

nothing will change.
we will end up getting an apartment together while working and figuring out this whole thing they call life.
and i will be saving an open bed for you when you come back from the army.
when 2 people are lost and alone and connect at such a young age so quickly....
that is a bond that can never be broken.

i am sure of it.



am.

.idon'twantyouback.

it was fun, i won't lie. we laughed. we laughed. we laughed.
you kept reminiscing. you kept missing. you kept looking at me in that way you have. i knew it wouldn't be the best if i stayed. but i did anyway.
you kept finding ways to hug me. you even went in for the kiss.
unfortunately you were dismissed. "i'm sorry." you said. "sorry i treated you like shit. you didn't deserve that." i didn't reply.
you kept pressing for a date. promising you've changed.
i said i couldn't because of him. the shock in your voice made me realize that you didn't realize. but when you did you apologized. you said, "i'll always love you, just know that." the thing is..
you kept telling lies. you kept playing pretend.
and trust me, i forgave you, but that doesn't mean i still love you. sure, feelings still come around, but they are everything far from love. i'm sorry for that. i'm glad if you've changed though, unfortunately, you've scarred me too much to ever believe you. so, try it on a new person and they'll love you like i won't ever be able too.
when we were singing that song to each other.. what you didn't know is that i meant every word..

"fuck what i said, it don't mean shit now.
fuck the presents might as well throw them out.
fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack.
fuck you, you ho. i don't want you back."

i said, "fuck you, you ho, i don't want you back."
you said, "fuck you right back."


p.s. unforgivable.



sh.

.losinggrip.

I sure do hope you're doing okay out there. I'm fairing well here but you best not linger too long for fear I'll soon be lost without you. For you may be able to tread waters independently, where as I need to grasp your hand every step of the way.

So hurry back, most dearest friend. For I am nothing but a morsel in lack of your company.


.sh.

.likenoonei'veeverknown.

the goddess of strength&well-being.

her hair flow well past her shoulders. framing her beauty of a face. her big, cute cheeks mirror her soft nose -which, unbeknownst to most is very squishy. her head is set on strong shoulders, set on strong legs, set on stable feet. i've never once seen her stumble.. mentally speaking.
she's got the looks every girls dreams of and the personality anyone longs for. her kindness mixes with a great sense of humor. her will to side with the underdog mixes with her semi-strong but steady confidence. her determination to become whoever she wants to be mixes with her individuality. she's never been one to make a fight, however she's the world's strongest fighter i know.
she may fear her burdens but she never lets it show. she amazes everyone with her constant smile either chosen to be on her face, or painted there -know one knows unless you're one of the few lucky people she opens up too. happiness seems to be her only language, however we all know this to be untrue because everyone has their days. however, she's looked up to bc she never lets anyone see her down.
maybe in the confines of her own room she let's it out. maybe in a park, on a bench, when know one is watching. perhaps, she goes inside a bathroom full of stalls and puts her feet up, trying to become invisible. or maybe she tells a close friend. nobody knows.
all anyone knows is their adoration for the goddess of strength&well-being. alltho no one expresses it, but this is not because they are too shy, or too stubborn. it is simply because this particular goddess has no idea, in the slightest, that she is even a goddess. she has no idea that in the eyes of so many is her image.
perhaps, someone will tell her someday. at sometime. in someplace. perhaps, that someone will be a stranger, or a friend, or maybe, a sister. perhaps, that day will be today, this very hour, this very moment. perhaps, the goddess deserves to know how people view her, a particular person especially. and perhaps this particular person wants her to know that she's been everything that she wants to be. and maybe, just maybe, this goddess of strength&well-being will teach her someday..


lesson #1: under no circumstances are you to bend or break from the weight of the world. hold your head high. look straight ahead. and shine, shine with such confidence that people believe you are untouchable.


.sh.