paint me a picture..

i woke up this morning. i recieved a fairly cute picture of you in your pajamas.. you made me smile with my tears. you're hilariously funny. sure you have some bad habits, but don't we all? ..your nice. you aaalways compliment me. something i never had. but. when i wanna smile in your eyes, i can't. when i want to playfully hit you bc i can, i can't. when i want to hold your hand for reassurance, i can't. when i want to collapse in your arms bc the weight of everthing is too heavy for me to hold by myself.. i can't.

i woke up this morning. i recieved a fairly cute picture of a guy in his pajams.. i instantly thought of you. you made me laugh so hard. you were like the biggest challenge i have ever been given. you were so hard to figure out, but i admired that about you. you didn't say many cute things but when you did they were worth the wait. and i can't forget the way you called me baby.. like you didn't want it to sound to serious but yet you added just enough to it to make it mean something.. baby. when i want to tell you to come back to me, i can't. when i want to scream at you and tell you that you're causing me so much pain, i can't. when i want to feel you kiss me again, i can't. when i want to be with you all the time bc i got so used to that feeling.. i can't.

i will wake up to tomorrow. with the same problems. i'll wish i was with they one i want to be w, but i'll never get to be with bc of distance. and i'll wish i could just forget the one i need to be with, but i'll text him first and continue this nonsense.

.sh.

...ouch.

that really hurt.

am.

oblivious.

loud sirens sounded as a warm feeling took over my mind when you said, "i love you."

..but your lips were kissing my ears, muting them from the warning i wish i'd have heard.

..sh.

i love my bestie. :) don't cha just loooove having someone there that's like. your twin but in a different body? ..heheheehhehehehehe. i do! she's amazingly gorgeous and soo much fun. it's amazing the bond btw us. not that we're lesbians by any means. well. unless like i had to kiss her so she wouldn't die. theeen maybe i would. haha. but she's amazing.. and has shifty eyes.. <-just kidding. :) buut! it's so crazy how not even the slightest mask can be think enough to keep her from knowing that something is wrong. it's incredible that everytime something happens to me. or anytime i have a huge secret, i'm never scared to tell her. i'm never afraid she'll judge me. which, in my opinion is absolutely terrific! well anywho.. bottom line is. i love my bestie. :)

sh.

hearts don't break gently

what am i gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
and what am i supposed to say when i'm all choked up and you're okay?

am.

thinking never injured anyone.. false.

the more i think of wanting you.. the more my heart pumps so hard it hurts.

the more i think of needing you.. the more my heart skips too many beats.

the more i think of you.. the more my heart falls to pieces.

..sh.

today's a new day, or so i wish

yet another day. you see that one person that hurt you the most and still you want their arms to be the ones hugging you ever so tight. you long for their smell, and sit at home wondering what they are doing. wondering if they ever. ever. think about you as much as you think about them. only time can heal i guess. a heart never breaks evenly. and when it breaks it takes a lifetime to heal. why can't it be like flesh, or bone. hurt for a couple days and be over. the heart is only an organ, helping your body survive when really at the same time it can be destroying you.

the one question i long for an answer is, how can you love someone so much, leave them and then feel nothing? nothing at all.

am.

lucid.

loyalty. loyalty should be easily understood should it not? it should be a lucid term. one would think. so many people aren't loyal. imagine how less likely you are to really damage a person if you just stay loyal to them.

loyalty: the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations.

.....sh.

blahhhh

girl drama!!

gott love it. not. wow we're juniors and only have like one year left with everyone yet some people always decide to feel the need to always start something. helloooo. talking behind peoples back and being a bitch gets you know where. you wonder why no one is super close to you like they used to be, well take a good look in the mirror honey. would you wanna be your own friend. you aren't even a true friend. to anyone! you're friends to them to their face and then bad talk them two seconds later.....
and the other girl. we dont like your boyfriend. he's our friend too. and you left first so we didnt wanna just leave him at the game alone, and make him walk home like you planned on making him do. and you say we were bad friends because we didnt ask you to hang out. well you left first and you haven't hung out with either of us since like eighth grade so why in the hell does it matter now?!?
soooo yeah. he's a big fuck you to you two ladies!!! peace out.

am.

The worst kind of heart break is when you totally know that they'll crush you in the end. Yet, you still give everything you have hoping that they don't hurt you; and after awhile they seem to have changed you you believe that he could actually be the one. No. People never change. They lead you on and turn around and kill you when you're most vulnerable.
That's the wosr kind of heart break. Trusting in someone you knew from the start would turn around and stab you in the back...

....am

Hate.

..there are many different kinds of happiness. but really only one kind of hate. happiness can act on a person in different ways. but hate acts on us all the same really. our blood boils, revenge is wanted, pain is caused. that's usually the only way hate is. i don't actually know if i've ever really truely hated someone of something.. bc evertime i thought i truely hated, deep down in side i've always secretly had a soft spot for the individual. so is it safe to say that you never really hate? you're just sooo undeniably hurt that you can't physically hurt anymore and the only emotion left to feel is anger bc your happiness went out the window a long time ago?.. now that i think about it. it only makes sense. hatred isn't really loathing someone for all enternity. it's really the outcome of the absence of happiness and the ability to not be able to physically be sad anymore..